The “What If” Game…

Even if I live to be 100, I will never forget where I was when I gave my eating disorder to God. I was sitting in an empty Church, praying, actually more like begging, for the grace to let it go, to really give it to Him. There was a part of me that desperately yearned to hold on to it, and another part that was exhausted from the illness. I can’t go on like this. Help me, please help me, I prayed. I sat there in silence, as I gazed at a picture of God the Father. I told Him everything, all my fears, feelings, joys and sorrows. Then I cried.

I just want to be normal. But really, what is normal? There is no generic normal, everyone is different and every body reacts differently to food, exercise, etc. I knew that in my head, but it was hard for me to believe it in my heart. I thought surely I was going to blow up to 300 pounds (TWISTED thinking at it’s finest right there).

Despite it all, I closed my eyes and told God I wanted to be the weight that He designed me to be. I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to enjoy life without having to count calories or worry about food, etc. I wanted to enjoy cookies and ice cream. I wanted to put half and half in my coffee like a normal human being without thinking twice about it. I wanted to lick the bowl after making brownies and not worry. I wanted to drink orange juice again.


I’m not going to tell you my road to recovery was easy. Because it wasn’t, it took tremendous discipline and grace and I owe it all to our Heavenly Father. I fell along the way. But when I fell and was tempted to give up, I got up and keep fighting. And I desire to inspire and encourage you to do the same. Take some time in prayer, talk to Him, give it to Him. Ask for the grace to let it go and to let Him transform your cross into beauty.

I know it’s A LOT easier said than done, but isn’t it worth a chance? Give God a chance, I promise you He won’t let you down. And despite it all, isn’t it worth the alternative, of holding on to your eating disorder forever?

What if you just let it go? Give it to God. Let Him turn it into beauty.


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